I’ve always had issues with my body. Only now when I sit
back and think about it do I realise that I’ve never been truly content with
the way I look. I’m sure there are hundreds of girls that could say the same
thing, but this is my blog, so this is my story.
When I was younger, around 16, I used to get myself so upset
about things that in hindsight seem so stupid. I used to worry about not being
womanly enough. I worried that my body would remain a little girl’s - no curve,
no breasts, just a skinny little child’s body.
My worries stemmed from the fact that girls much younger
than me were filling out. They were voluptuous vixens with cleavage that showed
no mercy, while I remained a cup size ‘A.’
Things started to change when I left my teen years behind. I
started dating a guy who was obsessed with gym and living a so-called healthy
lifestyle. He wasn’t one of the bubble muscled, steroid kids of today. He was
just very conscious of his own weight – and unfortunately mine.
As I said before, my body issues started a long time ago, so
I can’t blame my issues on anyone. However, that’s not to say other people’s
influences haven’t affected me.
It all started in jest of course, he’d tease me about eating
the ‘right’ food and choosing a salad when we went to dinner. As we became more
comfortable with each other it got worse, he’d comment on how I made our
dinners too fatty, he told me I should gym a lot more and….
Then came the nickname “CHUNKY MONKEY!”
Yes, it all sounds very cute, but you have no clue how it
affected me. It broke my heart, not only did I have a body of a child, now I
was a chubby child.
Things changed. “CHUNKY MONKEY” guy and I went our separate
ways. Very shortly after the break-up my life went pear shaped and I was put on
medication that turned me into “FAT COURTENEY.”
No really. I went from a size SS to M, in less than two
months. At this point you’re probably rolling your eyes at me - but just think
of the effect that this had on me emotionally. I had to give away almost all of
my clothes and replace my entire wardrobe, just so I could breath while wearing
jeans.
So now, I’m “FAT COURTENEY” and I have a new wardrobe, but
just when I’m starting to deal with my weight issues, I started dating another
idiot boyfriend who thought it was alright to tell me “You know Babe, you’d be
beautiful if you lost two, maybe three kgs.”
Well there went myself esteem, if I had any to begin with.
The hardest part of all of this is that I still think I’m
skinny Courteney. I forget how big I am and then when I catch a glimpse of
myself in a mirror or a shiny surface, I instantly feel less sexy. I then get really
angry with myself because I know my weight shouldn’t be such an issue.
There are girls and guys out there that have been struggling
with these issues their whole lives. I feel ashamed for not feeling beautiful
when I realize my actual size.
So ex-boyfriends who had something to say about my body, ‘up
yours.’ From now on I’m going to try and be more positive – and feel sexier. At
least now I have a real women’s body, with cleavage!
Image source:http://www.pinterest.com/pin/531072981029679001/
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